Redefining Love: A Journey to Growth and Connection

Hanne De Smedt (41) opened her relationship with her beloved husband after twenty years of marriage: ‘Out of self-love, feeling love for my beloved, and for their beloved.’

I believe in multiple love. In other words, I am open to more than one intimate relationship at the same time and the empowering strength of this when done with care and polysecurity (from the book Polysecure by Jessica Fern).

I have a great capacity to feel deeply and intensely. A few years ago, I discovered that my brain is wired differently and works in a neurodiverse way, and I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD). That helped me understand why. Autism means I can only live authentically, with my high sensitivity. Not long after, I was also diagnosed with breast cancer. The combination of wanting to explore my intensity further and being confronted with my mortality made me examine parts of myself that I had suppressed. Reclaiming my authentic sexual energy was a part of my self-exploration.


The next step
I had been together with my childhood sweetheart, Sven, for more than twenty years. After my ASD diagnosis at 37, I wanted to explore what my original sexual energy truly was. For this, I followed a tantra program with Rising Heart, where I came into contact with alternative relationship forms that touched something deeply repressed within me. I discovered that monogamy does not have to be the only way of relating. But I didn’t want to give up my marriage. On the contrary, I wanted to deepen it toward a higher form of love—freedom in connection! I wanted to take the next step and invite my husband into that deep, conscious, tantric journey toward his own liberated truth.

At first, Sven hesitated but was curious. After many conversations, we decided that he, too, would embark on his tantric exploration of his liberated truth.


Growth
We consciously allowed whatever came our way—infatuations, multiple partners, sexual encounters, platonic love—within the boundaries we had agreed upon. We gave each other space for experiences and continued to share our processes in our "Inner World Ritual," which we developed along the way (and about which we offer online training). We agreed to take it day by day: “What does my body say about my truth in the moment?” We committed to staying in communication through our ritual, not about the details of our encounters but about what those encounters brought to us. That was our core: we both wanted to grow from them and bring that growth into our relationship.


The first infatuation
Sven’s first infatuation triggered abandonment anxiety, jealousy, and sadness in me. Seeing how he glowed after being with another woman made me feel insecure. Conversely, Sven struggled with similar feelings. Our relationship sometimes hung by a thread, but we didn’t give up. We kept communicating from our individual truths. During the most challenging period, we went to a relationship therapist monthly. We placed two tiny houses in the garden so each of us had a space to reconnect with ourselves.


Remaining present with pain to connect ever deeper in love
I loved expressing myself so freely and began to reap the benefits of our new relationship dynamic. We became better versions of ourselves. I could explore new parts of myself in connection with others. Sven brought new parts of himself—found in connection with others—into our connection, making him a fuller, more flowing person.

Seeing each other shine in the fullness of our life energy was always our shared joy. When I met one of his beloveds, I felt great love for her, grateful that she touched him in ways that helped him live even more fully. And I felt that she loved me, too. That such a thing is possible moves me deeply. The "Yes-love" feeling and metamourship bring me "heart expansion."


Pain and responsibility
These are the beautiful aspects, but there was also pain and sadness. We encountered parts of ourselves—rejection, abandonment fear, attachment anxiety. I had to feel through these and take responsibility to “re-member” my own safety within myself (something I developed during the SOUL program by Liv Van Weddingen).

The challenge was to share what it did to me while not placing responsibility for it on the other. We have learned—and are still learning—to carry our own painful feelings and desires, as Jan Geurtz describes in Spiritual Relationships. Meditation, nervous system regulation, bodywork, and spiritual awareness are crucial for this.

I am developing skills for creating safety through “consciously negotiated relationship agreements” and explicit communication with Joli Hamilton and my international online community The Year Off Opening. Support from like-minded people with similar journeys is essential in this new era of consciousness growth. We aim to create a judgment-free space for exploring alternative relationship forms in authentic self-leadership. This is my path to growth, love, and freedom.


A warm home in loving connection
Sven and I have two sons. They know I have other “friends” and that their dad has other “girlfriends.” They notice we argue less than we used to and that we are fuller individuals living our own truths. They feel safe, loved, and secure in a "warm home"—that is what matters most to them: the loving connection.

We are very grateful to our warm families, who support us in our transparent journey. We continue to explore our Authentic “Embodied Relation Design,” which aligns with our authentic soul frequencies at each moment of our ever-transforming lives.

Therefore, Sven and I do not define our love. One thing, however, is crystal clear to me: loving someone else does not mean I love my husband any less. I believe in my original desire to share love and let hearts flow. And in my soul mission as a guardian of life energy in aligned abundance. I intend to choose love and not fear, every day, with trial and error.

Learn more about Hanne and her work here.